The New Uniforms Are a Competitive Advantage

We got the new cheer uniforms yesterday and I have one question.

Who finally fired the person designing the old ones?

I’m sorry, but they were awful. They were perfectly good uniforms if you were born in 1960 and had fond memories of smoking on airplanes. Boxy top, heavy fabric, skirt somewhere around “school spirit but make it Presbyterian.”

The new ones?

Oh, hello.

Dark navy, bright white trim, fitted top, high waist and an actual shape. Whoever designed these has apparently met a woman before.

And the skirt is short.

Very short.

Before anyone asks: yes, there are shorts underneath. No, I am not remotely upset about the length. I have good legs. It would be selfish not to share.

I put mine on, turned around in front of the mirror and thought: damn.

Then I turned around again just to make sure.

Still damn.

Megan accused me of checking out my own ass, which is ridiculous because obviously that is exactly what I was doing. I’ve worked hard for that ass. I’m allowed to inspect the results.

The best part is that they actually feel good too. The fabric stretches, the top stays where it’s supposed to, and the skirt moves when you move instead of hanging around your hips like a lampshade. We did jumps, kicks and most of the new routine without me once wondering whether my uniform was actively fighting me.

Although the first high kick did establish that the little shorts underneath are not so much a design feature as a legal necessity.

Fine by me.

Roger liked the new uniform too, although Roger was already being unusually complimentary last night, so his review may not be entirely independent.

Hi, Roger.

Anyway.

We finally went outside to practice and that’s when I discovered the athletics department may have accidentally given us a tactical advantage.

The football team was already on the field.

We walked out.

They looked.

Not all of them.

Just enough.

One guy missed a pass. Another got yelled at by Coach. Somebody near the sideline walked into an equipment cart, which I personally think deserves to be preserved in the university archives.

And these are our guys. They know us.

Imagine the visiting team.

Some nineteen-year-old linebacker is going to be standing there Saturday trying to remember coverage while twelve girls in very short navy skirts start jumping around twenty yards away.

Good luck, sweetheart.

I’m calling it now: these uniforms are worth points.

Three minimum.

Seven if their quarterback is single.

Coach did not appreciate this analysis and told me to concentrate on my counts, which is probably fair because I missed one while watching a defensive back watching us.

Still counts as evidence.

There are already girls complaining that the skirts are too short, which is obviously their right.

They are wrong, but it is their right.

Personally, I love mine. I look good in it. I feel good in it. We look sharper as a squad, the routine looks faster, and for once I’m excited to put on the uniform instead of feeling like I’m dressing up as somebody’s mother’s high school yearbook photo.

So: ten out of ten.

No notes.

Actually, one note.

Can we keep these after the season?

Asking for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

— Lisa ❤️