Every Time My Phone Lights Up

I don’t really know why I’m posting this here. I think I just need to put it somewhere because I can’t keep saying the same things to my friends and pretending I’m getting better.

Ethan broke up with me eleven days ago.

Eleven days sounds like enough time that I should at least be able to get through breakfast without thinking about him, but apparently not. I cried in my car this morning because I found one of his stupid gas station receipts under the passenger seat. $6.42. Gatorade and those disgusting spicy chips he always ate. That was enough. Completely ruined me.

We were together for almost two years. I’m nineteen. That’s more than ten percent of my entire life, which I know is probably a ridiculous way to calculate a relationship, but right now it feels important.

He said he still loves me.

I hate that sentence so much.

How can you still love somebody and then just decide you don’t want them anymore? He said we’ve “grown in different directions” and that he needs to figure out who he is without us. I nodded like I understood because I didn’t want to be the crazy girlfriend begging him not to leave.

Then I went home and begged him not to leave over text instead.

Not my finest moment.

Now he doesn’t answer me at all.

That hurts more than I can explain.

My friends keep texting me. They ask if I’ve eaten. They ask if I want them to come over. Sophie sent me about fifteen messages today and I know she’s worried and I know I’m being horrible because sometimes I just stare at them and don’t answer.

But I don’t want to talk to Sophie.

I don’t want to talk to any of them.

I want to talk to him.

He’s the person I always talked to when something hurt. When I was scared or upset or embarrassed or when I just had a shitty day, I told Ethan. He knows things about me I’ve never told anyone else. He was the person I trusted enough to be completely pathetic with.

And now the thing that hurts is him.

So I want to tell him how much I’m hurting because he’s the only person I want when I hurt, except he’s the reason I’m hurting and he won’t even answer me.

How fucked up is that?

I texted him last night. Just “Can we please talk?”

Nothing.

This morning I checked again.

Nothing.

I saw that he’d been online.

That fucking destroyed me.

I keep checking my phone even though I know he hasn’t messaged me. Sometimes I wake up and for maybe three seconds everything is normal. Then I remember.

That might be the worst part.

I miss such stupid things. I miss the way he always stole the cold side of my pillow. I miss him sending me pictures of dogs he saw. I miss his truck outside my house. I miss knowing what I was doing Friday night without having to make plans. I even miss being annoyed at him.

His hoodie is still hanging over my desk chair.

I know I should give it back.

I don’t want to.

Everyone keeps telling me they understand.

They don’t.

I know that sounds awful because my friends are trying so hard and they love me and none of this is their fault. But they go home and their chest doesn’t hurt. They don’t wake up reaching for their phone. They don’t have to stop themselves from typing someone’s name twenty times a day.

And they keep telling me I’ll meet somebody else someday.

I don’t WANT somebody else.

That’s the whole fucking problem.

I want him.

I want the person I trusted more than anyone in the world to just talk to me.

And apparently he doesn’t even want to do that.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this unwanted in my life.

Sorry. I know people post actual important things here. I just feel completely fucking miserable tonight and I didn’t know where else to put it.

If anyone has figured out how you stop wanting to talk to the one person who doesn’t want to talk to you, please tell me.

Because right now every time my phone lights up, I hope it’s him.

And every time it isn’t, it hurts all over again.